Under a shell

I was too afraid to get out of my shell
I built my shell with shyness, pain and contradictions
Day after day I saw the world outside
Looked like fun
But I was buried under my shell

Once I looked to the bird flying
And I wished I could have wings too
But I can’t have them and my shell is too heavy to break free

I kept dreaming and dreaming
And thinking I could do it
But the other side couldn’t just forgive this
I’ve put myself down once again and got under the floor with the weight from my shell

Under the floor I saw nothing different, just the usual darkness and sad feeling
Everything was like forever
The bad side was controlling the good one

In another life I was a bird and someone cut my wings
In this life I’m someone hidden by a shell made of bad things
Maybe I’ll rise from the flames
Maybe I’ll get strength and get rid of my shell

There is a force that puts me down and down
I also put myself down and down
Why?
I still don’t know but I have to find out

Slowly I’m breaking free but the dark side will get me in again
And I’ll be the same I ever was
I don’t like it

I lost myself somewhere
Maybe that someone I killed still alive and came back to my body again
I died, I born again ,I died and I don’t know how I am

None of these lives were easy
I have the feeling that it’s getting worse
But I can’t trust in my feelings too much
And in myself neither

I built something to bury me, something to destroy me silently
Does it means I’m alive living my death?
I built something and I don’t know why

The shell is getting fragmentized, the erosion brought by time and hurt feelings is doing it
But sometimes it just gets strength again to be rebuilt by itself

Time, time
Devastating powerful force that can destroy and build things and people
Time
Too little, too big

I’ve got a map full of hints to find the treasure
I’ve got a thousand ways to cut the handcuffs that don’t let me escape to myself
I’ve got so many things but at the time I still don’t know how to use them

How sad this is, how stupid
How meaningful, how inspirational
Maybe this bad story will become into a good one

I’ve wrote so much this word, maybe
But never many words of certainness
And this might be the problem

This sleepless nights consume my thoughts
Made into poems
That will make myself heard

Tomorrow I’ll see the sun once again and feel the light on my face
Temporary feeling of clearness
Ephemeral moment of sanity and freedom
A moment in the day to feed my spirit

People say that under a mask everyone will tell who they are
But how can I do it?
I still don’t who I am
So I can’t hide
If you look at me you’ll see me raw
And you might not like what you’ll see

But for protection I got myself a shell
There isn’t much to see
Only me under something that hides the bright side of me

I wish there were more words to describe myself
I can be like a puzzle sometimes
Where is the missing piece you ask, and so do I
But I can also be clear as the light
And also dark as the night

Under a shell I’ve hidden my bright side
Life is not kind to no one, I lived much on the bad part
One day I’ll break free
One day I’ll see how beautiful life can be

Will you send me an angel?

You broke the law
The oath you made is now broken
You’ll be judged

You sold my insanity for who wanted to see
I found myself in some kind of emptiness
There was a place not filled
But I’d never want you here

The thunder came out
I fell on the floor wet by the rain
I found myself desperate
My tears became confused with the rain drops

I looked to the sky
I saw a million stars
The stars so bright give their light
If I can see light miles and miles away
Why can’t I see my own light?
The light closer to me

Once again you told me there wasn’t hope
And I believed
Why can’t I resist in hurt myself?
The dark side is controlling me

Where is my angel now?
Will you send me an angel?

Sometimes the angel, Sometimes the devil

I’m sometimes the angel
So divine
So pure and full of light
Eager to find a proposal to life

The angel that opens its’ wings and starts to fly
So sure that nothing wrong will get it
An angel sent to make sun light reach the eyes

But so much heat burnt its’ wings
The angel has fallen from the skies
And suddenly someone started to cry

I’m sometimes the devil
So wrong and so mad with life
Someone that makes its’ own life a hell
That burns the good

The angel lost its’ wings and can’t fly no more
The dream is so far as the sky
I can’t reach it now
There are no stairways to heaven, only highways to hell

The angel so sad about the lost closed itself into its’ own existence
The devil got mad, the fire reached everything
They all melted in the flames until their existence disappeared

I was the only one left
Abandoned to my mind and heart
Now I have to find my own meaning to life

Sea made of roses

I fell into a sea made of roses
Their perfume drove me into a deep sleep
I lost myself inside a thought
This addicting fragrance that makes me feel so unconscious

But soon I’m going to get hurt on their thorns
And wake up again to real life

Now I want to be here in my thought
Such a wonderful idea

I love this heat
The heat that burns all the bad things
It only leaves the dream and the desire alive

I fell into a sea made of roses
Oh, you still hard to find
The temptation of having you is so hard to fight

Shine your light on me
Forget the rules
This feeling is forbidden
But we’re covered with a sea made off roses

Don’t let the thorns reach us
Be close to me

I’ll try to find you in this sea made of roses
Our fantasie...

Reflex

I was stooped upon the waters
And in a moment that could be like any other
But the willing didn’t allow it
I looked to my reflex on the water

Everything around me had similar reflex
The light and soft undulation of the water didn’t take away their forms
All so identical but me
A reflex distorted reality
My reality

The waters never stopped running
The wind never stopped passing between the leaves
Between all the things undressed of fake and artificiality
As well as the time that never stopped passing

I never became in everything I am
I never wanted to find myself
Many times I stopped to search myself
When I saw the way I hesitated in running away to inside me

In the first time I looked to my reflex upon the waters
I knew that it wasn’t me the person reflected
I watch myself and I don’t know me
I look at me and I don’t want to believe

On my depths remains a light
Waiting to be found
Sometimes the search is hard
But better than don’t search at all

Upon the waters I found my reflex
That brought the darkness to my eyes
I don’t know who I am anymore
But I still confident on the light that overflows from my soul will be enough to die away the darkness from my eyes

The last words spoken

The last words were spoken
The universe closed itself
Its’ existence is extinguished
What used to be so certain is not anymore

Everybody prayed in silence
Never so many voices prayed together
Never was such a moment before

All the flowers stopped flourishing
They don’t want to see what will happen
Anything that is alive wants to believe

In a last goodbyeI walked near the sea
On a place where sand still soft to step on
I said goodbye to the ocean
It took my tears with it

The quiet sound from the waves made me dream
With another universe made off sweet dreams
and never this cruel reality
Though the hurt it gives makes me know I’m alive

The last words spoken weren’t mine
They were from someone that wanted to be alive

I thought
Why not create another universe where we cannot lie to ourselves and truly be alive?

Ambiguities

I’d like to say that Earth is a paradise
People we love won’t die
Youth is eternal and the only tears people shed are of joy

Nothing is eternal, we all are going to die someday
Earth is Earth…

Ambiguities of life
How many to deal with
A battle to just survive
A death to live with

The rose started to bleed
I tasted it and it was sweet
The fuel of life, full of sugar
This was the innocence

Nobody has this sugar flowing thru their veins

Life goes by and by
Sometimes I cry and cry
Contradictions of a contradictory girl
That doesn’t know already how to deal with them

Bad Willing

Many times I questioned the life but never really looked for an answer
Mysterious life, mysterious poison
So powerful that turns into a slight breath got from the smooth breeze that slowly touches my eyes when closed
The firebird ran way when the tears shed for me extinguished it’s heat

The sky was covered with the dark curtains of death and pain
something came, saying me to breathe the death and the suffering that could be felt in the air
Then a strong voice came telling to say goodbye

The tree dyed and it’s leafs fell
In a floor of destruction
All covered by the hell’s heat

No courage to scream
No voice strong enough to yell
Only tears to cry
and a voice to whisper “I hate this damn hell”

The hands nailed to the cross
The body loosing water to the sun
The soul so strong that could leave the body and go far, far away
The heart counting the seconds to the end

Bad feelings
Bad willing
All bad but not so bad as the insanity of the world

Now You're Gone

So much to say
But not many words to describe
Since you’ve gone my willing to live almost disappeared

These mysteries of life
So hard to understand
Took you to the other side

Maybe there it’s better, who knows?
Maybe because of that life shouldn’t be forever
Will we ever be close
To find out the truth about the universe

At least I know that there you won’t feel pain anymore
Maybe I’ll find you one day in Heaven if I deserve

When I felt that your heart was not beating I lost a part of mine
When I saw you where not breathing, the air almost didn’t reach my lungs
Sometimes I just can’t believe it happened

He called you
He took you away from me
I know you’re painless now, maybe better there
But I still need you so much

That day, I wanted to die
I cried until my eyes hurt
I felt somehow empty
And the most scary thing is that I won’t ever see you again, hear your voice again, be with you again

That day darkness filled my eyes and never left
It’s case to say we were born to suffer
Because until now it’s almost all I’ve been experiencing

I’m sad
Sometimes I drown in a sea of tears
Because there is nothing I can do to have you back
So I just can cry for you and remember the good times

I couldn’t save you
It was like a fire inside you burning you slowly and anybody could extinguish it
When you saw the smoke it was too late
It was your body against you

The journey is now over for you
And every day I miss you even more

Goodbye
But never goodbye from my heart
I love you dad, so much

17/07/2009

Kissing the rain

Alone, in the dark
The drops run through my face
Mixed with the tears I shed

Kissing the rain
With my eyes
Leaving all behind

The first time I felt I was alive

you never made me feel a million bucks
You never appreciated me as I deserved to be
The leafs spread over the floor with love poems that I never wanted before

Mad love, cursed love
The hollow and the grave
The sadness, the madness
All the way

Kissing the rain
With my eyes
Leaving all behind

The first time I felt alive

Loving you someday

In the river the flame burns the sin
We’ll be drawn in the fire
Loving it every second
Leaving you for tomorrow

Again a breeze of cold ice has installed
To burn us to death
To fulfill our lives with colors
The colors of the insane flames

The serene waters killing us
Like an innocent with a gun
Loving you never
I’ll die with your love

Again we’ll be confused
We’ll be loved for each other
Be loved by someone that doesn’t know what love is

You laugh with my hurt feelings
I laugh with your vanity
We laugh about nothings

Loving you tomorrow
Fulfilling you with the love I never knew
Loving you with rage
A rage about life

Come to be satirized
Saturnine eyes
You were left for love
And you look around and everybody dies

Loving you someday
When I find the definition of love
Like a great poet has said
Love is wound that hurts but can’t feel

I’m used to deal with my contradictions
All of this is just fiction
All in life that you win is a suit
Loving you without knowing what is love
I’ll be back to love you again when the wounds don’t hurt no more

In a dark night...

In a dark night
I left here my soul

At first it was hard to find
But it was not hard to carry
Because it wasn’t frozen

When I fall into an endless sleep
I want you to shut my eyes
When I fall to the forgotten
I want you to hold me in your arms

Yesterday the silence spoke
I never heard such beautiful words

The white dove flew over our heads
And covered us with some magic spell
The bow stuck in our hearts simply disappeared

When I started to cry
You wiped my tears
And took me to your heart

I held on my hand the world
I covered it with a flag
A flag made off peace
To represent what we all are looking for

Why not open the golden case?
It has the key to what we’re looking for
We’re looking for nothings
We opened it and it had nothing more than emptiness

In a dark night I left here my soul
The magic man said it didn’t belong to me
It doesn’t belong to no one
Because what I am, is made of it
Here I am, again about to fall and to rise

I was taken by the arms of silence

I was taken by the arms of silence
But my heart doesn’t seek vengeance
Only for the white light that reached my eyes in times
A feeling of calm on my soul

Silence took me away from here
Let the masquerade proceed
Because under a mask he’ll say who he is

I cannot hide from my sorrows
I can’t run away when I have to say sorry
I just can’t go away from today and runaway to tomorrow

All the stars will be shining tonight
Because the silence took me
And I don’t know if I’ll be back tomorrow

Picturing the Sad

Going through ways never crossed before
Looking for the lonely
No one can ever find me

Looking for understanding from God
And never for someone to know me

It has hurt me, you can see
There’s no understanding
It’s the missing piece to me

All of them say to understand me
Why don’t they give me what I need ?

Never wanted to get into addiction
But I need something to grab when I’m down
I let the melody get in to make me forget for a while this sad life
And this feeling, so blue, that the ocean and the skies aren’t blue enough to be compared to it

Through the ways lightened by the storm that it’s every now and then in my life
I run for the lonely, to be rescued by the no one
Picturing the sad all the time I seek for the truth I’ll never find
And I’m never going to find the answer to mysteries of this complicated life
Only complicated by me, it’s my own prejudice

Smoke Is Fading Away

Lighthouse is showing the way
Wind is oscillating all the way
Everything so calm, so serious
So laid-back and forgotten of contradictions

The sight never changed
Everything so peaceful
Oh, how I envy it
I wanted to forget my contradictions

The music that rocks until the deepest sleep
I feel so empty, with nothing to give
Everybody tell me that life is in my hand so why I’m letting it go?

Once he whispered in my ear
Life is yours my dear
All the ways lead to one place
Run your way without fear
Don’t put your life in a case
That would be mistrust on history
It’s all so clear, and forget the rain
The sunny days will come to lighten your way

The guardian of the temple never let me in
I never found the way anyway, the smoke doesn’t give a chance to see clearly
When smoke is fading way, all life is so clear as water on the river

Someday, somehow

Another day looking to nothing
An empty space waiting to be filled
Mysterious strength that makes me walk when I’m wasted

In another day likes others before
Darkness brought by the winds
A different day from now on

Days going to waste
Tears carrying the fear of losing you

Take the white rose
Make it into a dove
Giving you peace forever
Don’t leave me now I need you

If I lose you I’ll lose my heart
Can’t lose my adviser, my favourite man
You dad

Don’t let it win you
Be strong as you are
Someday somehow
I’ll pay you
With love and proud…

Let me be me

Pain from my inner depths is becoming superficial
Today the inside wound that hurts
The feeling that doesn’t heal

Tomorrow something new
Another tear to shed

Leaving all my purposes
What’s the matter to hate
When you’re going to lose someone you love

Why so much hate, so much sadness
Why are we so human

Looking for that answer
But I don’t like the search

Again hitting the head against the wall
Cursing about everybody
Leaving life behind
For a living death

No one ever knows
I don’t doubt about existence
I only doubt why it had to happen to me

I always questioned the life but I never really looked for an answer
Maybe I just don’t know what to ask

I say what is unspeakable
So no one ever understands me
Lone again I walk through the thorns

Let me live
Let me die
Let me feel
Let me be cold
Let me be me…

Let My Wings Born Again

Let my wings born again
So I won’t regret for what wasn’t done yet
And all the lights will come to my way

Let me show you the world beyond this one
Let me feel again what I haven’t felt

So good, so sweet
An angel
A melody
Again

The breath of life filling my lungs
And the spirit flowing through my veins again

And will leave you
And will seek you
For all now and then

Stop living for something you’ll never get
Leave goodbyes for tomorrow
Live it now, it will pass by
And all your sorrows will be left behind

You’ve got your soul
You can feel it every day
You made me your life
The only way to feel alright

Don’t cut my wings
So I can fly with you
The firebird will light our way in the dark
And with nothing to say let the silence fulfill our night

Sands of Time

These memories that now are pieces of splinted stone
Undone by the gelid cold of passing time
Pictures are burnt
So my eyes can’t see them

The cold that cuts the breath
Leaving slowly the breath of life suffocate
While I drown without struggling
In the days without hope

I look for the sun that for a long time don’t shine to me
In the darkness I hit my head against the wall
Trying in vain to get the significant for this life that if it has a meaning is getting more occult

The sands of the time drained
But the pain stood in here
I' m sharing the space of soul with the uncertainness

Searching for something I can’t see but I can feel
The endless search for myself
And for the remedy that heals the pain of soul

I get a shelter in word
Which always appear
But can’t always express the feeling

The night dew is the place where you can find the answers
Written on the stars
But can’t decipher

The darkness where I stood, without light to move on
Is where I’m going to start to be somewhere else in another day

Last goodbye to you

The breath of life fades away quickly
Now is your time but shouldn’t be it
Where are we going now
Heaven seems so far here in earth
Maybe you’re going to a better place near of your beloved ones

You never were lucky here
You always had a hard life
It was filled with some tears I guess

He’ll never hurt you again
The gates of heaven won’t let him hurt you
Now be in peace and cry no more
Let love go inside your heart and be happy forever

You gave life to two daughters, the sun of your eyes
To love and to be proud of
They gave you some trouble but in the end of the day
Everything was fine
The day lasted some years but worth it

In the morning the days were not easy
to you and your brothers and sisters
In the afternoon things got better but not everything was ok
In evening, no words can describe the pain
At night you left us and you left tears
Tears shed for your family in this so dead day

What’s going to happen next, why good people pay with their lives
When the devil laughs and never dies

We all miss you, maybe one day we’re all going to be together again
To cheer and laugh
When we all pass the test of life
This life that goes away so soon without mercy
Goodbye …


To my dear aunt, wherever she is now
31/03/2009

Black rose

The black rose full of thorns got me
The white snow came and covered me
Something new came out

Filling the white with the grey, like we were painting the fog so no one can see us
Looking for something never invented yet
Looking for the tomorrow that never happened
I don’t want you but I need you

I’m coming undone again
The petals of the rose are falling
So as my eager existence
Shattering my dreams again
He came to pick me

The uncertain came to say
The obscured life came to shine
The tears streamed for life
And I’ll be here again

The free bird flies wherever he wants
I wish I was like him
Free to fly
Free to be
Free to feel

The music died away
No more words to say
The sun came out again and began to shine

Living for tomorrow

I’ll become dust someday
The tears will dry
And all the love I never gave
Is going to die

The sun goes and the sky turns black
I wonder why
The sun is gone for so long from my life

Living for tomorrow
I look dead already today
Body starving for love
Head hitting against the wall
looking for comprehension while it
releases frustration
Looking for a whole new me

Telling lies to myself
Looking for the perfect lie
That makes me think I’m on heaven
while I’m on hell

Keep spinning the wheel of fortune
It never stops
Living for tomorrow, after this dead day…

Life filled with tears...

In my downbeat existence
The designs from God weren’t my best wishes
Here I am waiting for another thrust in my chest
One of many others

They tell me to be cold and cry no more
But how can I, if you can’t love me no more
Fount of life is weakening and your thirst for it is getting bigger
They give me love but heart doesn’t accept it
I feel alone in a thousand ways, a thousand times, a thousand feelings

Walking alone
Trusting on silence, hoping something better to happen
It’s all collapsing, a world shocking against the other one
It’s something you can't see but you feel

All the tears I shed were priceless
Nobody cares anymore
I’m all the time crying but tears don’t come
But today in gesture of kindness to myself
I let a few tears go away
This pain, this rain, this cold, this sad, sad, sadness

One life to cry about
How can someone want to be me
If I don’t like to be on my skin

This is verity
Words never said but felt before
One relief that will become pain one day
A vicious circle without I have an addiction
A life with sad goodbyes and sorrows
A simple life…